Cynglish Beat audio, for the first time. Great crowd, great venue, terrific recording (even without the bongos).
Recorded by Dale Herrington at the monthly poetry slam at The Auburn in Calgary. August 27, 2009.
If that doesn't work, try this:
http://calgaryspokenword.podbean.com/2009/08/31/august-aburn-slam-open-mic-timothy-reynolds/
Monday, 31 August 2009
Saturday, 15 August 2009
From "The Cynglish Beat" by Tim Reynolds
MIDDLE GROUND
We’ve lost the middle ground.
Either we sit around the campfire of burning hate literature singing Kumbaya, holding hands and reciting the mantra “We are the world”...
...or we take out a gun and shoot a young couple for parking in front of our house while they go visit our neighbours with their newborn baby.
The middle ground is no longer around, or a square. It’s become a null and void rhomboid of confusion and contradiction...
DON’T PAINT IT BEIGE
...but spank a diapered bum and suddenly you’re serving six months to one, for a beating that never was;
But spare the rod, lower the hand and put away the fly swatter and by the time they’re four you can’t take it anymore.
By the age of eight, an asylum looks great.
Before they’re eleven it’s time for boarding school heaven, even if it means selling the Harley so you don’t have to daily deal with the snarly, disrespectful, foul-mouthed version of the cousin you never invite for dinner, let alone educate and clothe and feed and buy the X-Box for.
There IS a ‘U’ in “educate”, but they won’t let you educate your own children.
Educate them in ‘cause and effect’, ‘crime and punishment’, ‘action and reaction’.
‘Reaction’, not ‘inaction’.
Not all passive no aggressive.
More ‘Highway to Hell’ and less ‘Kumbaya’.
Love is good, love is great, but it’s just the flipside of hate.
Not “I’m-better-than-you” hate, but ‘I hate tofu”, “I hate Wisteria Lane” or
“I hate people who are afraid to voice an opinion for fear of being shoved aside and beaten down by the Love Police, the Co-operation Cops, the self-appointed picket-fencers doing a destructive epee and riposte against harsh words, raised voices, rights not to be left outside the bubble.
The bubble.
The social anti-bacterial soap bubble keeping us from catching conversational colds or fractious-friends flu or watch-what-you-say fever.
We’ve gone from ‘faster, slower, higher, lower” to “beige --- I think I’ll paint it beige”.
But beige is just paint, covering sins, hiding crimes, keeping us all on an even keel on waveless seas for one more verse of Kumbaya, one more flight to Cloud Nine.
Trading vanGogh and Picasso for Hello Kitty and Care Bears.
Well, Smurf it! Let there be “I love Thrash Metal” or Folk or Baby Beluga; and let there be hate ---
I hate rude drivers, I hate cowardly terrorists, I hate the victimizers and will not hold their hand and welcome them into my paint shop for a coat of concealer, a killer coat of beige.
I will scream “Faster faster faster... slower, yes, slower... now a little bit higher and a whole lot lower.”
Make a few friendly waves and then surf that curl all the way to “Don’t Be Such A Beach”.
If you take a stand in the middle of the road
Expect to get run over by those of us unafraid to have Drive.
Follow the Instinct Interstate away from Beige Boulevard
And straight toward Express-myself Expressway.
We’ve lost the middle ground.
Either we sit around the campfire of burning hate literature singing Kumbaya, holding hands and reciting the mantra “We are the world”...
...or we take out a gun and shoot a young couple for parking in front of our house while they go visit our neighbours with their newborn baby.
The middle ground is no longer around, or a square. It’s become a null and void rhomboid of confusion and contradiction...
DON’T PAINT IT BEIGE
...but spank a diapered bum and suddenly you’re serving six months to one, for a beating that never was;
But spare the rod, lower the hand and put away the fly swatter and by the time they’re four you can’t take it anymore.
By the age of eight, an asylum looks great.
Before they’re eleven it’s time for boarding school heaven, even if it means selling the Harley so you don’t have to daily deal with the snarly, disrespectful, foul-mouthed version of the cousin you never invite for dinner, let alone educate and clothe and feed and buy the X-Box for.
There IS a ‘U’ in “educate”, but they won’t let you educate your own children.
Educate them in ‘cause and effect’, ‘crime and punishment’, ‘action and reaction’.
‘Reaction’, not ‘inaction’.
Not all passive no aggressive.
More ‘Highway to Hell’ and less ‘Kumbaya’.
Love is good, love is great, but it’s just the flipside of hate.
Not “I’m-better-than-you” hate, but ‘I hate tofu”, “I hate Wisteria Lane” or
“I hate people who are afraid to voice an opinion for fear of being shoved aside and beaten down by the Love Police, the Co-operation Cops, the self-appointed picket-fencers doing a destructive epee and riposte against harsh words, raised voices, rights not to be left outside the bubble.
The bubble.
The social anti-bacterial soap bubble keeping us from catching conversational colds or fractious-friends flu or watch-what-you-say fever.
We’ve gone from ‘faster, slower, higher, lower” to “beige --- I think I’ll paint it beige”.
But beige is just paint, covering sins, hiding crimes, keeping us all on an even keel on waveless seas for one more verse of Kumbaya, one more flight to Cloud Nine.
Trading vanGogh and Picasso for Hello Kitty and Care Bears.
Well, Smurf it! Let there be “I love Thrash Metal” or Folk or Baby Beluga; and let there be hate ---
I hate rude drivers, I hate cowardly terrorists, I hate the victimizers and will not hold their hand and welcome them into my paint shop for a coat of concealer, a killer coat of beige.
I will scream “Faster faster faster... slower, yes, slower... now a little bit higher and a whole lot lower.”
Make a few friendly waves and then surf that curl all the way to “Don’t Be Such A Beach”.
If you take a stand in the middle of the road
Expect to get run over by those of us unafraid to have Drive.
Follow the Instinct Interstate away from Beige Boulevard
And straight toward Express-myself Expressway.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Bus Driver's Lament
Jammed up, crammed up, nerve-fraying rush hour traffic;
Perfume-bathers and their throat-tearing, eye-tearing, floral-acid stench;
Shower-avoiders and their throat-tearing, eye-tearing, armpit-acid stench;
Traffic-jamming bus stop parkers;
Unfair fare scammers;
Seat-slicing vinyl vandals;
Drunk punks, hammered homeless, sloshed salesmen, bombed bitches wearing come-do-me pumps;
Junior high flirts with senior high cleavage;
University girls full of their own self-importance... and senior high cleavage;
Old buses that can’t climb hills in the sweltering summer burn;
Geriatrics who can’t walk or hold on but just have to shuffle shuffle shuffle past six empty seats to sit at the back while... we... all... wait;
Cranky old schedule-memorizing clock-watchers late for mall-walking club;
Turn-signal-challenged yahoos, idiots and gene-pool-cleansing dumb-fucks;
Bottle-pickers with torn and tattered, beer-leaking, bus-stinking plastic bags of recyclable refuse;
Bicycles needing rides but no bike rack to oblige;
Jaywalkers stepping out and bike messengers swerving in;
Toxin-smoking, cloud-wearers dragging fumes on board to share with one and all;
And iPod isolationists cutting off the world at volume beyond understanding.
Kids from college full of knowledge and educational enthusiasm;
Toddlers full of giggles and wiggles and moms glad to just sit for a bit;
Seniors glad to be out and about and commuters glad to sit back and relax...and let someone else deal with Rush Hour Madness;
Homeless folk happy for a warm ride and a welcoming stranger’s smile;
And harried, clock-challenged, bus-chasers thankful for a driver who saw and stopped
and gracefully accepted their gratitude before taking them on down the road, home.
~
Thursday, 14 May 2009
32 Grammatical Blunders
Just read this and have to share:
From Novelwhore.com's website. Go there to see where she found it.
1.Accept/Except- Although these two words sound alike (they’re homophones), they have two completely different meanings. “Accept” means to willingly receive something (accept a present.) “Except” means to exclude something (I’ll take all of the books except the one with the red cover.)
2. Affect/Effect- The way you “affect” someone can have an “effect” on them. “Affect” is usually a verb and “Effect” is a noun.
3. Alright- If you use “alright,” go to the chalkboard and write “Alright is not a word” 100 times.
4. Capital/Capitol- “Capitol” generally refers to an official building. “Capital” can mean the city which serves as a seat of government or money or property owned by a company. “Capital” can also mean “punishable by death.”
5. Complement/Compliment- I often must compliment my wife on how her love for cooking perfectly complements my love for grocery shopping.
6. Comprise/Compose- The article I’m composing comprises 32 parts.
7. Could Of- Of the 32 mistakes on this list, this is the one that bothers me most. It’s “could have” not “could of.” When you hear people talking, they’re saying “could’ve.” Got it?
8. Desert/Dessert- A desert is a hot, dry patch of sand. Dessert, on the other hand, is the sweet, fatty substance you eat at the end of your meal.
9. Discreet/Discrete- We can break people into two discrete (separate) groups, the discreet (secretive) and indiscreet.
10. Emigrate/Immigrate- If I leave this country to move to Europe, the leaving is emigrating and the arriving is immigrating.
11. Elicit/Illicit- Some people post illicit things on message boards to elicit outrageous reactions from others.
12. Farther/Further- Farther is used for physical distance, whereas further means to a greater degree.
13. Fewer/Less- Use fewer when referring to something that can be counted one-by-one. Use less when it’s something that doesn’t lend itself to a simple numeric amount.
14. Flair/Flare- A flair is a talent, while a flare is a burst (of anger, fire, etc.)
15. i.e/e.g- I.e. is used to say “in other words.” E.g. is used in place of “for example.”
16. Inflammable- Don’t let the prefix confuse you, if something is inflammable it can catch on fire.
17. It’s/Its- It’s= it is. Its=a possessive pronoun meaning of it or belonging to. Whatever you do, please don’t use its’.
18. Imply/Infer- A reader infers what an author implies. In other words, when you imply something, you hint at it. When you infer something, you draw a conclusion based on clues.
19. Literally- If you say “His head literally exploded because he was so mad!” then we should see brains splattered on the ceiling.
20. Lose/Loose- If your pants are too loose you may lose them. That would be almost as embarrassing as misusing these two words.
21. Moral/Morale- Morals are something you want to teach your kids. If your team’s morale is low, you need to do something to boost their confidence.
22. Percent/Percentage- The word “percent” should only be used when a specific number is given. “Percentage” is more of a general term.
23. Stationary/Stationery- You are stationary when you aren’t moving. Stationery is something you write on.
24. Then/Than- “Then” is another word for “after.” Incidentally, the word “then” makes for boring writing. “Than” is a comparative word (e.g. I am smarter than you).
25. There/Their/They’re- There are few things as frustrating as when I look at my students’ writing and they’re misusing these words in their writing.
26. Unique- Something can’t be “kind of unique” or even “very unique.” It’s either one-of-a-kind or it isn’t. There is no in between when it comes to unique.
27. Your/You’re- If I had a nickel for every time I saw this one… yeah, you know the rest. “Your” shows ownership and you’re is a contraction meaning “you are.” Get it right.
28. To/Too/Two- Two is a number. “To” is used in instances such as, “I am going to the store.” If you are supposed to use the word “too,” try inserting the word “extra” or “also.” If one of those fits, you need to also add the extra “o” to make “too.”
29. Lie/Lay- After you lay the books on the table, go lie down on the couch.
30. Sit/Set- Set your drink on the table and sit in your chair. Got it?
31. Whose/Who’s- Whose is the possessive form of who. Who’s is a contraction meaning “who is.”
32. Allude/Elude- When someone alludes to something in conversation (indirectly references), if you aren’t paying attention the meaning may elude you (escape you).
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
From Novelwhore.com's website. Go there to see where she found it.
1.Accept/Except- Although these two words sound alike (they’re homophones), they have two completely different meanings. “Accept” means to willingly receive something (accept a present.) “Except” means to exclude something (I’ll take all of the books except the one with the red cover.)
2. Affect/Effect- The way you “affect” someone can have an “effect” on them. “Affect” is usually a verb and “Effect” is a noun.
3. Alright- If you use “alright,” go to the chalkboard and write “Alright is not a word” 100 times.
4. Capital/Capitol- “Capitol” generally refers to an official building. “Capital” can mean the city which serves as a seat of government or money or property owned by a company. “Capital” can also mean “punishable by death.”
5. Complement/Compliment- I often must compliment my wife on how her love for cooking perfectly complements my love for grocery shopping.
6. Comprise/Compose- The article I’m composing comprises 32 parts.
7. Could Of- Of the 32 mistakes on this list, this is the one that bothers me most. It’s “could have” not “could of.” When you hear people talking, they’re saying “could’ve.” Got it?
8. Desert/Dessert- A desert is a hot, dry patch of sand. Dessert, on the other hand, is the sweet, fatty substance you eat at the end of your meal.
9. Discreet/Discrete- We can break people into two discrete (separate) groups, the discreet (secretive) and indiscreet.
10. Emigrate/Immigrate- If I leave this country to move to Europe, the leaving is emigrating and the arriving is immigrating.
11. Elicit/Illicit- Some people post illicit things on message boards to elicit outrageous reactions from others.
12. Farther/Further- Farther is used for physical distance, whereas further means to a greater degree.
13. Fewer/Less- Use fewer when referring to something that can be counted one-by-one. Use less when it’s something that doesn’t lend itself to a simple numeric amount.
14. Flair/Flare- A flair is a talent, while a flare is a burst (of anger, fire, etc.)
15. i.e/e.g- I.e. is used to say “in other words.” E.g. is used in place of “for example.”
16. Inflammable- Don’t let the prefix confuse you, if something is inflammable it can catch on fire.
17. It’s/Its- It’s= it is. Its=a possessive pronoun meaning of it or belonging to. Whatever you do, please don’t use its’.
18. Imply/Infer- A reader infers what an author implies. In other words, when you imply something, you hint at it. When you infer something, you draw a conclusion based on clues.
19. Literally- If you say “His head literally exploded because he was so mad!” then we should see brains splattered on the ceiling.
20. Lose/Loose- If your pants are too loose you may lose them. That would be almost as embarrassing as misusing these two words.
21. Moral/Morale- Morals are something you want to teach your kids. If your team’s morale is low, you need to do something to boost their confidence.
22. Percent/Percentage- The word “percent” should only be used when a specific number is given. “Percentage” is more of a general term.
23. Stationary/Stationery- You are stationary when you aren’t moving. Stationery is something you write on.
24. Then/Than- “Then” is another word for “after.” Incidentally, the word “then” makes for boring writing. “Than” is a comparative word (e.g. I am smarter than you).
25. There/Their/They’re- There are few things as frustrating as when I look at my students’ writing and they’re misusing these words in their writing.
26. Unique- Something can’t be “kind of unique” or even “very unique.” It’s either one-of-a-kind or it isn’t. There is no in between when it comes to unique.
27. Your/You’re- If I had a nickel for every time I saw this one… yeah, you know the rest. “Your” shows ownership and you’re is a contraction meaning “you are.” Get it right.
28. To/Too/Two- Two is a number. “To” is used in instances such as, “I am going to the store.” If you are supposed to use the word “too,” try inserting the word “extra” or “also.” If one of those fits, you need to also add the extra “o” to make “too.”
29. Lie/Lay- After you lay the books on the table, go lie down on the couch.
30. Sit/Set- Set your drink on the table and sit in your chair. Got it?
31. Whose/Who’s- Whose is the possessive form of who. Who’s is a contraction meaning “who is.”
32. Allude/Elude- When someone alludes to something in conversation (indirectly references), if you aren’t paying attention the meaning may elude you (escape you).
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Susan Boyle's Real Importance
Since Caveman Karaoke, talent has been seen as a commodity and only part of the package (and sometimes not at all, Paris Hilton).
I don't believe Susan Boyle has gone undiscovered, I believe she has been discovered many times over the years but anyone who could do anything for her career turned their backs and walked away simply because they couldn't market the "whole package".
Maybe the best thing to come out of the Susan Boyle Phenomenon is that she'll inspire the not-so-youngs, not-so-fits, not-so-beautifuls & not-so-populars to once again (or continue to) reach for their own personal stars when the hit machine would have them give up and go back home to the cat and cable (or in MY case, the dogs & the DVD library).
But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to languish. I'm not going to say "I'm almost 50, I'm not fit, I'm not strong, I'm not a party animal, I'm not going to succeed." I'm going to say "I will follow the dream, grab the opportunities and maintain pride in what I do. But most of all, I will have fun."
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
I don't believe Susan Boyle has gone undiscovered, I believe she has been discovered many times over the years but anyone who could do anything for her career turned their backs and walked away simply because they couldn't market the "whole package".
Maybe the best thing to come out of the Susan Boyle Phenomenon is that she'll inspire the not-so-youngs, not-so-fits, not-so-beautifuls & not-so-populars to once again (or continue to) reach for their own personal stars when the hit machine would have them give up and go back home to the cat and cable (or in MY case, the dogs & the DVD library).
But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to languish. I'm not going to say "I'm almost 50, I'm not fit, I'm not strong, I'm not a party animal, I'm not going to succeed." I'm going to say "I will follow the dream, grab the opportunities and maintain pride in what I do. But most of all, I will have fun."
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Monday, 6 April 2009
Slick, quick and not much of a trick... today's post
Life proceeds along at whichever pace it chooses, whether we like it or not and whether we're willing to go along, or not. But I find now that the more we put ourselves out there, the more the universe notices us and the more fun shit it sends our way.
I've also discovered that although it's a blast to get paid to do things, it can be even more fun (and a lot more rewarding) to volunteer to do some cool things. Things I'm trying to get involved with include the water station at a charity half-marathon, an improv troupe performing at a fringe festival, a variety show for a cancer fundraiser, discussion panels for a writer's conference, a cabaret to celebrate the conference, and a variety show for a high school reunion.
To quote Donald O'Connor: "Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!"
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
I've also discovered that although it's a blast to get paid to do things, it can be even more fun (and a lot more rewarding) to volunteer to do some cool things. Things I'm trying to get involved with include the water station at a charity half-marathon, an improv troupe performing at a fringe festival, a variety show for a cancer fundraiser, discussion panels for a writer's conference, a cabaret to celebrate the conference, and a variety show for a high school reunion.
To quote Donald O'Connor: "Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!"
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Audience or Industry: The Comedy Connundrum
Who should comics be performing for, the audience or their fellows in the industry, including critics?
I ask this because I was once told not to do my Jack Nicholson impression because "everyone is doing Jack". What was really meant was that management sees too many Jack Nicholson (and Bill Cosby and Christopher Walken) impressions, although I've only seen one or two others myself, in recent years. But the comment I was given was a valid one, except that the audiences LOVE a good Jack impression (which mine sometimes is).
So that begs the question: if audiences are enjoying a show and laughing loudly at the material being performed, should the comic listen to other comics or management or critics, or should the comic perform for the people who came to see him or her?
Now, if the comic is trying to move up in the industry and be unique and get a TV or movie deal, they will need to pander to the industry and give them something they haven't seen before.
So, what's it to be? Who should comics be performing for, the audience or their fellows in the industry, including critics? Both, if possible, I suppose. Be as funny as possible and as unique as possible, but I think that career aside, we are there to make people laugh so that they come back and bring friends with them.
Like San Fransisco comic Steven Kravitz says: "Comics are just glorified liquor salesmen." So true.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
I ask this because I was once told not to do my Jack Nicholson impression because "everyone is doing Jack". What was really meant was that management sees too many Jack Nicholson (and Bill Cosby and Christopher Walken) impressions, although I've only seen one or two others myself, in recent years. But the comment I was given was a valid one, except that the audiences LOVE a good Jack impression (which mine sometimes is).
So that begs the question: if audiences are enjoying a show and laughing loudly at the material being performed, should the comic listen to other comics or management or critics, or should the comic perform for the people who came to see him or her?
Now, if the comic is trying to move up in the industry and be unique and get a TV or movie deal, they will need to pander to the industry and give them something they haven't seen before.
So, what's it to be? Who should comics be performing for, the audience or their fellows in the industry, including critics? Both, if possible, I suppose. Be as funny as possible and as unique as possible, but I think that career aside, we are there to make people laugh so that they come back and bring friends with them.
Like San Fransisco comic Steven Kravitz says: "Comics are just glorified liquor salesmen." So true.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Friday, 6 March 2009
Graffiti Beat
GRAFFITI
Words of morons
Scribbled, scrawled and sprayed
From far-flung Tofino
To even further John the saint,
Stupidity on display.
But the best
Was in our own Bowness,
Scrawled large on a worn bus bench,
A future leader of democracy
Expressed anger with such eloquence.
The words were simple and to the point
But his vocabulary was stuck
When he took the time and energy
To write
“FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCK”.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Words of morons
Scribbled, scrawled and sprayed
From far-flung Tofino
To even further John the saint,
Stupidity on display.
But the best
Was in our own Bowness,
Scrawled large on a worn bus bench,
A future leader of democracy
Expressed anger with such eloquence.
The words were simple and to the point
But his vocabulary was stuck
When he took the time and energy
To write
“FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK FUCK”.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Beating the beat into a beaten beater of beets... Part 1
(To be read with a dark, husky voice to the rhythm of bongos and a stand-up bass. Go ahead. Try it. I'll wait while you find a band.)
RIDING THE BUS...
Riding the bus, the train, the bus, the shuttle... riding it all and all of it riding on a two-fifty fare.
Spending more time with strangers travelling to and from work than with our own families before and after, work. Strangers who twitch and swear and spit and shove, behaving better than the people we love to love, from below or above,
reeking of solvents or bathed in Old Spice or new Axe or that industrial strength Brut from left over from Christmas 1979.
Buses stinking of vomit and skunkweed and garlic and old socks, the trip to and from work and career and other-life is like two hours trapped in a teenager’s closet. Not just any teenager, but your goth-dressed, face-pierced, crappy grades, I-want-to-live-with-the-other-parent, teenager.
Two-fifty a trip to get bumped and grinded and fondled --- but no flowers, no chocolate no simple “I’ll promise to call you but will lose your number in the next five minutes”. The freedom of frottage without commitment.
But on a bus you can jab jab jab an elbow or step on a toe, hard on a toe or fart never-so-gracefully in the face of these daily stranger relationships and no one says a word; but treat your causeless James Dean teen with the same disdain and you’ll hear from Family Services the very next day.
And the day after, and for the rest of your days until the divorce is settled, the custody battle done, the bank account drained and the Beamer traded in for a used Toyota Tercel that never looks as good on page two of the local paper when they announce you’ve had another trial date.
Not so, the bus, the train, the bus, and the shuttle --- no names exchanged, no hatred grown, no love lost, no lasting impression made.
So give me diesel fumes and ignorant strangers and vomit on my shoes just so I don’t have to go home to Hell in the home, homely in its own hellish way.
Give me back the grazing touch of a total stranger, the hardening of my nipples, the weakening of my knees... and then their cellphone rings and ABBA’s Dancing Queen causes us all, passenger strangers one and all, to lash out, bump the coffee hand or the phone hand or grinding grind a heel into their imported Italian in-step; because it’s all fakey fake, all falsely hoped for ...
... and all going to happen again for all our tomorrows, on the not-so-Express bus up and down to downtown.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
RIDING THE BUS...
Riding the bus, the train, the bus, the shuttle... riding it all and all of it riding on a two-fifty fare.
Spending more time with strangers travelling to and from work than with our own families before and after, work. Strangers who twitch and swear and spit and shove, behaving better than the people we love to love, from below or above,
reeking of solvents or bathed in Old Spice or new Axe or that industrial strength Brut from left over from Christmas 1979.
Buses stinking of vomit and skunkweed and garlic and old socks, the trip to and from work and career and other-life is like two hours trapped in a teenager’s closet. Not just any teenager, but your goth-dressed, face-pierced, crappy grades, I-want-to-live-with-the-other-parent, teenager.
Two-fifty a trip to get bumped and grinded and fondled --- but no flowers, no chocolate no simple “I’ll promise to call you but will lose your number in the next five minutes”. The freedom of frottage without commitment.
But on a bus you can jab jab jab an elbow or step on a toe, hard on a toe or fart never-so-gracefully in the face of these daily stranger relationships and no one says a word; but treat your causeless James Dean teen with the same disdain and you’ll hear from Family Services the very next day.
And the day after, and for the rest of your days until the divorce is settled, the custody battle done, the bank account drained and the Beamer traded in for a used Toyota Tercel that never looks as good on page two of the local paper when they announce you’ve had another trial date.
Not so, the bus, the train, the bus, and the shuttle --- no names exchanged, no hatred grown, no love lost, no lasting impression made.
So give me diesel fumes and ignorant strangers and vomit on my shoes just so I don’t have to go home to Hell in the home, homely in its own hellish way.
Give me back the grazing touch of a total stranger, the hardening of my nipples, the weakening of my knees... and then their cellphone rings and ABBA’s Dancing Queen causes us all, passenger strangers one and all, to lash out, bump the coffee hand or the phone hand or grinding grind a heel into their imported Italian in-step; because it’s all fakey fake, all falsely hoped for ...
... and all going to happen again for all our tomorrows, on the not-so-Express bus up and down to downtown.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Joining the Queue of Desirable Intention
I love it when the universe surprises me. Just when my energy flags and my motivation wavers, the universe throws me a tow rope and pulls me up onto my feet again.
This week was a long week at work, simply because it's a week of hard final evaluations for my trainees before they graduate, and anyone who tells you that life-altering evaluations are only tough for the students, is full of shit.
But the students all passed, if not with flying colours at least with walking shades or grey and dark blue. But I'm proud of them nonetheless.
The first universal shockra happened Wednesday night at the Great Canadian Laugh Off preliminary round at Yuk Yuk's here in Calgary. My set was solid, though not comprehended by the all of the mixed crowd (mixed with 'WHAT I won't say), but it WAS comprehended by one of the two people in attendance who mattered the most --- Mark Breslin, CEO & Founder of Yuk Yuk's. I introduced myself to Mark and he pulled me aside, sat me down and went over what did and did not like about my set. To sum up, he loved the concept and wants to see here I take it from here. He also wants to get me up on stage when I'm in Toronto in May. Very cool.
And then Saturday rolled around and the feeling that someone had seriously cut my strings and I was dragging my ass around rushed right in to slap my silly face a few times. I got myself to the group books signing at the local Chapters Bookstore and one by one I kept meeting cooler and cooler people, from a pretty lady on crutches there with her kids who bought my book for her best friend who really enjoys comedy to the musician photographer who just happens to run one of the biggest media companies in Canada, to authors who have had bestselling fiction, heartbreaking life changes and one or two who had smiles that lit up the world when they giggled. I even got to watch an impromptu realigning of chakras, something which needs to be seen to be believed. I also made some new friends who offered some interesting insights into my own life and made me see my own world clearer by shining their light in my direction.
I am grateful for the universe's sense of timing, sense of justice and most of all it's sense of humour.
Now I'm off to Denny's for a Lumberjack Slam, because my cholesterol levels just don't seem to be high enough. *L*
And that's all I have to say about that. Except... go out and buy Maryanne Pope's A Widow's Awakening and anything by thriller author Jeff Buick.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
This week was a long week at work, simply because it's a week of hard final evaluations for my trainees before they graduate, and anyone who tells you that life-altering evaluations are only tough for the students, is full of shit.
But the students all passed, if not with flying colours at least with walking shades or grey and dark blue. But I'm proud of them nonetheless.
The first universal shockra happened Wednesday night at the Great Canadian Laugh Off preliminary round at Yuk Yuk's here in Calgary. My set was solid, though not comprehended by the all of the mixed crowd (mixed with 'WHAT I won't say), but it WAS comprehended by one of the two people in attendance who mattered the most --- Mark Breslin, CEO & Founder of Yuk Yuk's. I introduced myself to Mark and he pulled me aside, sat me down and went over what did and did not like about my set. To sum up, he loved the concept and wants to see here I take it from here. He also wants to get me up on stage when I'm in Toronto in May. Very cool.
And then Saturday rolled around and the feeling that someone had seriously cut my strings and I was dragging my ass around rushed right in to slap my silly face a few times. I got myself to the group books signing at the local Chapters Bookstore and one by one I kept meeting cooler and cooler people, from a pretty lady on crutches there with her kids who bought my book for her best friend who really enjoys comedy to the musician photographer who just happens to run one of the biggest media companies in Canada, to authors who have had bestselling fiction, heartbreaking life changes and one or two who had smiles that lit up the world when they giggled. I even got to watch an impromptu realigning of chakras, something which needs to be seen to be believed. I also made some new friends who offered some interesting insights into my own life and made me see my own world clearer by shining their light in my direction.
I am grateful for the universe's sense of timing, sense of justice and most of all it's sense of humour.
Now I'm off to Denny's for a Lumberjack Slam, because my cholesterol levels just don't seem to be high enough. *L*
And that's all I have to say about that. Except... go out and buy Maryanne Pope's A Widow's Awakening and anything by thriller author Jeff Buick.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Saturday, 14 February 2009
That's-a one spicy-a sauce!
Happy Valentine's Day.
Our celebrations were kept simple today, being mostly sushi and a movie (So I Married An Axe Murderer), with a little dark chocolate thrown in for lunch.
But the culinary highlight was an impromptu sauce I created to spice up a non-marinated steak. I can't eat hot sauce or hot peppers but I love horseradish and I wanted some bite to the beef so here's what I came up with:
TBONE'S BITES-BACK STEAK SAUCE
PER 10 OUNCE STEAK:
1/4 cup President's Choice Horseradish Mayo Sandwich Spread
1/4 cup Finely Chopped Yellow Onion
2 tablespoons Lea & Perrin's Worcestershire Sauce
1 oz. Jack Daniels Tennessee Sipping Whiskey
Mix & heat in microwave for 20 seconds
ADD:
1/2 teaspoon Freshly Ground Tellicherry Pepper
Pinch of McCormick's No Salt Added Garlic & Herb Seasoning
Pinch of McCormick's No Salt Added Citrus & Pepper Seasoning
Spread on BBQ sirloin steak. Eat. Wash down with a few more ounces of JD.
Also try it in tuna fish or with grilled chicken breast in a pita pocket with veggies.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Our celebrations were kept simple today, being mostly sushi and a movie (So I Married An Axe Murderer), with a little dark chocolate thrown in for lunch.
But the culinary highlight was an impromptu sauce I created to spice up a non-marinated steak. I can't eat hot sauce or hot peppers but I love horseradish and I wanted some bite to the beef so here's what I came up with:
TBONE'S BITES-BACK STEAK SAUCE
PER 10 OUNCE STEAK:
1/4 cup President's Choice Horseradish Mayo Sandwich Spread
1/4 cup Finely Chopped Yellow Onion
2 tablespoons Lea & Perrin's Worcestershire Sauce
1 oz. Jack Daniels Tennessee Sipping Whiskey
Mix & heat in microwave for 20 seconds
ADD:
1/2 teaspoon Freshly Ground Tellicherry Pepper
Pinch of McCormick's No Salt Added Garlic & Herb Seasoning
Pinch of McCormick's No Salt Added Citrus & Pepper Seasoning
Spread on BBQ sirloin steak. Eat. Wash down with a few more ounces of JD.
Also try it in tuna fish or with grilled chicken breast in a pita pocket with veggies.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Time for a little fun...
A very cool little development here on the comedy front is that the Great Canadian Laugh Off is once again in town, and it coincides with the opening of the brand new Yuk Yuk's comedy club in the Elbow River Casino.
The GCLO is a comedy talent search with a grand prize of $25,000 (plus other cool stuff), but in the early rounds of the competition it's really just about getting time on stage in front of audiences specifically out to see comedy (as opposed to people in a local bar who show up to drink with friends and are forced to put up with a comedy show brought in by management).
So, this year, I'm reinventing myself for the event and going out on a limb with a bizarre new (for me) approach to my own material. I'll be bringing a new look and a new style and a new twist to the stage in an attempt to stand out from the crowd while having a little fun.
Am I going to give you details? Not a chance. You'll either have to come out and
catch the show on February 25th at The Elbow River Casino in Calgary at 8pm, or wait until I post the video here or on YouTube. I don't want to give the competition too much of a warning of what they can expect to be up against.
But, all of the mystery aside, what this is really about is following dreams, having fun, and trying to stay fresh at any age. And at least for the next couple weeks, I'll be aiming to be fresh like... well...like...I don't know, like FRESH!
And that's all I have to say about that. Any more and you'll know the secret and I'd have to kill you.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
The GCLO is a comedy talent search with a grand prize of $25,000 (plus other cool stuff), but in the early rounds of the competition it's really just about getting time on stage in front of audiences specifically out to see comedy (as opposed to people in a local bar who show up to drink with friends and are forced to put up with a comedy show brought in by management).
So, this year, I'm reinventing myself for the event and going out on a limb with a bizarre new (for me) approach to my own material. I'll be bringing a new look and a new style and a new twist to the stage in an attempt to stand out from the crowd while having a little fun.
Am I going to give you details? Not a chance. You'll either have to come out and
catch the show on February 25th at The Elbow River Casino in Calgary at 8pm, or wait until I post the video here or on YouTube. I don't want to give the competition too much of a warning of what they can expect to be up against.
But, all of the mystery aside, what this is really about is following dreams, having fun, and trying to stay fresh at any age. And at least for the next couple weeks, I'll be aiming to be fresh like... well...like...I don't know, like FRESH!
And that's all I have to say about that. Any more and you'll know the secret and I'd have to kill you.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Sunday, 8 February 2009
What's in a Domain Name?
A Quickie!
Two new URLs under my umbrella: www.AlexTCrisp.com (the pseudonym I'm writing under), www.TheOtherTimReynolds.com & www.XtremeBlood.com (the new novel).
Now, if you actually click on all of these three links you'll discover that they're all redirected to the same website, for the time being. It was important to establish the domain names now, while I can get them, and worry about adding depth and content later.
By the way, did I say "two"? I meant "three". I'm a writer, not an accountant (anymore).
That's it, that's all.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Two new URLs under my umbrella: www.AlexTCrisp.com (the pseudonym I'm writing under), www.TheOtherTimReynolds.com & www.XtremeBlood.com (the new novel).
Now, if you actually click on all of these three links you'll discover that they're all redirected to the same website, for the time being. It was important to establish the domain names now, while I can get them, and worry about adding depth and content later.
By the way, did I say "two"? I meant "three". I'm a writer, not an accountant (anymore).
That's it, that's all.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
The Anthology
Although there's still five days until the somewhat flexible deadline for the submissions to the anthology, I've read the first two submissions and the first draft of a totally new story just for this collection, and I'm stoked by what I've read.
Three very cool stories off in three very different directions. It's going to be an interesting literary compilation, I can promise you that. Of course, if we don't get any more submissions it's all going to sit in limbo for awhile. But writers are notorious for procrastinating so I expect to see a few more stories by the end of the week.
Also of note: the novelization of my own vampire screenplay is a pain in the ass. Not the smartest way to go about it. But, if I can get it done, maybe it'll sell.
That's it, that's all for today.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Three very cool stories off in three very different directions. It's going to be an interesting literary compilation, I can promise you that. Of course, if we don't get any more submissions it's all going to sit in limbo for awhile. But writers are notorious for procrastinating so I expect to see a few more stories by the end of the week.
Also of note: the novelization of my own vampire screenplay is a pain in the ass. Not the smartest way to go about it. But, if I can get it done, maybe it'll sell.
That's it, that's all for today.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
That "Health Thing"
So, here it is, a nice Sunday in February, and I've spent it either driving 100k or inside the house working.
We went to the Whole Health Show hear in Calgary yesterday and came away either scammed by the best or on the path to better health as we move into the second half of our first century.
We each had a Sho Tai 'treatment' (is that even the right word?) and the practitioner read the electrical currents of our bodies to tell us what areas needed fixing and what areas were at risk. A bit skeptical, I was nonetheless surprised when she told me about problems with my hip, my bowel, my sinus, my lungs, my pancreas, my knee and my tailbone as well as my circulation --- confirming what I already knew there. She then went on to add in items like bone density, thyroid problems, prostate problems & the possibility of a stroke, soon.
Needless to say when someone makes a reading like that, I listen. It cost a few bucks for the supplements, but now I'm taking capsules which just might head off some of those issues and changing the diet to stop the slide into the pit of unwellness.
What did she suggest? Well, here's the list. You can look them up if you're so inclined. DULSE PLUS (Dulse, Uva Ursi, Bentonite), NATURAL WAY (Psyllium, Licorice, Cascara Sagrada, Hibiscus, Siberian Ginseng, Uva Ursi, Spearmint & Cats Claw),L-ARGINENE & L-TYROSINE.
Diet-wise, no cheese (we have frozen pizzas in the freezer) no beef (frozen steaks in the freezer), no milk (just drank the last of it & switched to soy) & no sweets (chocolate fudge cake in the fridge and chewy chocolate granola bars in the cupboard). FUCK. I live on dairy & sweets! Processed sugar and flour is my life! Now, it's apparently going to be my death, if I don't make the change.
I'll let you know how it goes. I'll be adding in 15-minutes daily on the eliptical machine as well, to assist in the weight loss part of the whole process. Np, I didn't start way back when I said I would in January. I've only done it a couple times. I'm lazy, so sue me.
On an upbeat note, my better half has started studying Reiki and so we're going to pick up a massage table and start working on conditioning, rehab and relaxation, too.
That's it, that's all for today.
Ciao for now,
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
We went to the Whole Health Show hear in Calgary yesterday and came away either scammed by the best or on the path to better health as we move into the second half of our first century.
We each had a Sho Tai 'treatment' (is that even the right word?) and the practitioner read the electrical currents of our bodies to tell us what areas needed fixing and what areas were at risk. A bit skeptical, I was nonetheless surprised when she told me about problems with my hip, my bowel, my sinus, my lungs, my pancreas, my knee and my tailbone as well as my circulation --- confirming what I already knew there. She then went on to add in items like bone density, thyroid problems, prostate problems & the possibility of a stroke, soon.
Needless to say when someone makes a reading like that, I listen. It cost a few bucks for the supplements, but now I'm taking capsules which just might head off some of those issues and changing the diet to stop the slide into the pit of unwellness.
What did she suggest? Well, here's the list. You can look them up if you're so inclined. DULSE PLUS (Dulse, Uva Ursi, Bentonite), NATURAL WAY (Psyllium, Licorice, Cascara Sagrada, Hibiscus, Siberian Ginseng, Uva Ursi, Spearmint & Cats Claw),L-ARGINENE & L-TYROSINE.
Diet-wise, no cheese (we have frozen pizzas in the freezer) no beef (frozen steaks in the freezer), no milk (just drank the last of it & switched to soy) & no sweets (chocolate fudge cake in the fridge and chewy chocolate granola bars in the cupboard). FUCK. I live on dairy & sweets! Processed sugar and flour is my life! Now, it's apparently going to be my death, if I don't make the change.
I'll let you know how it goes. I'll be adding in 15-minutes daily on the eliptical machine as well, to assist in the weight loss part of the whole process. Np, I didn't start way back when I said I would in January. I've only done it a couple times. I'm lazy, so sue me.
On an upbeat note, my better half has started studying Reiki and so we're going to pick up a massage table and start working on conditioning, rehab and relaxation, too.
That's it, that's all for today.
Ciao for now,
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Sunday, 11 January 2009
The New Year... finally.
Well, this is a short note as I wind down from the construction frenzy which occupied my evening after we purchased an Elliptical Machine-thingy. Now I get to exercise while the dogs watch. Since one of them is getting downright tubby, maybe I should have bought a treadmill and trained her to use it. Then again, at 7 lbs and only 10" tall, maybe I should just make an over-sized hamster wheel for her.
Tomorrow the exercise regimen starts. I suppose. I think. I guess. I hope. Maybe.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Tomorrow the exercise regimen starts. I suppose. I think. I guess. I hope. Maybe.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
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