Cynglish Beat audio, for the first time. Great crowd, great venue, terrific recording (even without the bongos).
Recorded by Dale Herrington at the monthly poetry slam at The Auburn in Calgary. August 27, 2009.
If that doesn't work, try this:
http://calgaryspokenword.podbean.com/2009/08/31/august-aburn-slam-open-mic-timothy-reynolds/
Monday, 31 August 2009
Saturday, 15 August 2009
From "The Cynglish Beat" by Tim Reynolds
MIDDLE GROUND
We’ve lost the middle ground.
Either we sit around the campfire of burning hate literature singing Kumbaya, holding hands and reciting the mantra “We are the world”...
...or we take out a gun and shoot a young couple for parking in front of our house while they go visit our neighbours with their newborn baby.
The middle ground is no longer around, or a square. It’s become a null and void rhomboid of confusion and contradiction...
DON’T PAINT IT BEIGE
...but spank a diapered bum and suddenly you’re serving six months to one, for a beating that never was;
But spare the rod, lower the hand and put away the fly swatter and by the time they’re four you can’t take it anymore.
By the age of eight, an asylum looks great.
Before they’re eleven it’s time for boarding school heaven, even if it means selling the Harley so you don’t have to daily deal with the snarly, disrespectful, foul-mouthed version of the cousin you never invite for dinner, let alone educate and clothe and feed and buy the X-Box for.
There IS a ‘U’ in “educate”, but they won’t let you educate your own children.
Educate them in ‘cause and effect’, ‘crime and punishment’, ‘action and reaction’.
‘Reaction’, not ‘inaction’.
Not all passive no aggressive.
More ‘Highway to Hell’ and less ‘Kumbaya’.
Love is good, love is great, but it’s just the flipside of hate.
Not “I’m-better-than-you” hate, but ‘I hate tofu”, “I hate Wisteria Lane” or
“I hate people who are afraid to voice an opinion for fear of being shoved aside and beaten down by the Love Police, the Co-operation Cops, the self-appointed picket-fencers doing a destructive epee and riposte against harsh words, raised voices, rights not to be left outside the bubble.
The bubble.
The social anti-bacterial soap bubble keeping us from catching conversational colds or fractious-friends flu or watch-what-you-say fever.
We’ve gone from ‘faster, slower, higher, lower” to “beige --- I think I’ll paint it beige”.
But beige is just paint, covering sins, hiding crimes, keeping us all on an even keel on waveless seas for one more verse of Kumbaya, one more flight to Cloud Nine.
Trading vanGogh and Picasso for Hello Kitty and Care Bears.
Well, Smurf it! Let there be “I love Thrash Metal” or Folk or Baby Beluga; and let there be hate ---
I hate rude drivers, I hate cowardly terrorists, I hate the victimizers and will not hold their hand and welcome them into my paint shop for a coat of concealer, a killer coat of beige.
I will scream “Faster faster faster... slower, yes, slower... now a little bit higher and a whole lot lower.”
Make a few friendly waves and then surf that curl all the way to “Don’t Be Such A Beach”.
If you take a stand in the middle of the road
Expect to get run over by those of us unafraid to have Drive.
Follow the Instinct Interstate away from Beige Boulevard
And straight toward Express-myself Expressway.
We’ve lost the middle ground.
Either we sit around the campfire of burning hate literature singing Kumbaya, holding hands and reciting the mantra “We are the world”...
...or we take out a gun and shoot a young couple for parking in front of our house while they go visit our neighbours with their newborn baby.
The middle ground is no longer around, or a square. It’s become a null and void rhomboid of confusion and contradiction...
DON’T PAINT IT BEIGE
...but spank a diapered bum and suddenly you’re serving six months to one, for a beating that never was;
But spare the rod, lower the hand and put away the fly swatter and by the time they’re four you can’t take it anymore.
By the age of eight, an asylum looks great.
Before they’re eleven it’s time for boarding school heaven, even if it means selling the Harley so you don’t have to daily deal with the snarly, disrespectful, foul-mouthed version of the cousin you never invite for dinner, let alone educate and clothe and feed and buy the X-Box for.
There IS a ‘U’ in “educate”, but they won’t let you educate your own children.
Educate them in ‘cause and effect’, ‘crime and punishment’, ‘action and reaction’.
‘Reaction’, not ‘inaction’.
Not all passive no aggressive.
More ‘Highway to Hell’ and less ‘Kumbaya’.
Love is good, love is great, but it’s just the flipside of hate.
Not “I’m-better-than-you” hate, but ‘I hate tofu”, “I hate Wisteria Lane” or
“I hate people who are afraid to voice an opinion for fear of being shoved aside and beaten down by the Love Police, the Co-operation Cops, the self-appointed picket-fencers doing a destructive epee and riposte against harsh words, raised voices, rights not to be left outside the bubble.
The bubble.
The social anti-bacterial soap bubble keeping us from catching conversational colds or fractious-friends flu or watch-what-you-say fever.
We’ve gone from ‘faster, slower, higher, lower” to “beige --- I think I’ll paint it beige”.
But beige is just paint, covering sins, hiding crimes, keeping us all on an even keel on waveless seas for one more verse of Kumbaya, one more flight to Cloud Nine.
Trading vanGogh and Picasso for Hello Kitty and Care Bears.
Well, Smurf it! Let there be “I love Thrash Metal” or Folk or Baby Beluga; and let there be hate ---
I hate rude drivers, I hate cowardly terrorists, I hate the victimizers and will not hold their hand and welcome them into my paint shop for a coat of concealer, a killer coat of beige.
I will scream “Faster faster faster... slower, yes, slower... now a little bit higher and a whole lot lower.”
Make a few friendly waves and then surf that curl all the way to “Don’t Be Such A Beach”.
If you take a stand in the middle of the road
Expect to get run over by those of us unafraid to have Drive.
Follow the Instinct Interstate away from Beige Boulevard
And straight toward Express-myself Expressway.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Bus Driver's Lament
Jammed up, crammed up, nerve-fraying rush hour traffic;
Perfume-bathers and their throat-tearing, eye-tearing, floral-acid stench;
Shower-avoiders and their throat-tearing, eye-tearing, armpit-acid stench;
Traffic-jamming bus stop parkers;
Unfair fare scammers;
Seat-slicing vinyl vandals;
Drunk punks, hammered homeless, sloshed salesmen, bombed bitches wearing come-do-me pumps;
Junior high flirts with senior high cleavage;
University girls full of their own self-importance... and senior high cleavage;
Old buses that can’t climb hills in the sweltering summer burn;
Geriatrics who can’t walk or hold on but just have to shuffle shuffle shuffle past six empty seats to sit at the back while... we... all... wait;
Cranky old schedule-memorizing clock-watchers late for mall-walking club;
Turn-signal-challenged yahoos, idiots and gene-pool-cleansing dumb-fucks;
Bottle-pickers with torn and tattered, beer-leaking, bus-stinking plastic bags of recyclable refuse;
Bicycles needing rides but no bike rack to oblige;
Jaywalkers stepping out and bike messengers swerving in;
Toxin-smoking, cloud-wearers dragging fumes on board to share with one and all;
And iPod isolationists cutting off the world at volume beyond understanding.
Kids from college full of knowledge and educational enthusiasm;
Toddlers full of giggles and wiggles and moms glad to just sit for a bit;
Seniors glad to be out and about and commuters glad to sit back and relax...and let someone else deal with Rush Hour Madness;
Homeless folk happy for a warm ride and a welcoming stranger’s smile;
And harried, clock-challenged, bus-chasers thankful for a driver who saw and stopped
and gracefully accepted their gratitude before taking them on down the road, home.
~
Thursday, 14 May 2009
32 Grammatical Blunders
Just read this and have to share:
From Novelwhore.com's website. Go there to see where she found it.
1.Accept/Except- Although these two words sound alike (they’re homophones), they have two completely different meanings. “Accept” means to willingly receive something (accept a present.) “Except” means to exclude something (I’ll take all of the books except the one with the red cover.)
2. Affect/Effect- The way you “affect” someone can have an “effect” on them. “Affect” is usually a verb and “Effect” is a noun.
3. Alright- If you use “alright,” go to the chalkboard and write “Alright is not a word” 100 times.
4. Capital/Capitol- “Capitol” generally refers to an official building. “Capital” can mean the city which serves as a seat of government or money or property owned by a company. “Capital” can also mean “punishable by death.”
5. Complement/Compliment- I often must compliment my wife on how her love for cooking perfectly complements my love for grocery shopping.
6. Comprise/Compose- The article I’m composing comprises 32 parts.
7. Could Of- Of the 32 mistakes on this list, this is the one that bothers me most. It’s “could have” not “could of.” When you hear people talking, they’re saying “could’ve.” Got it?
8. Desert/Dessert- A desert is a hot, dry patch of sand. Dessert, on the other hand, is the sweet, fatty substance you eat at the end of your meal.
9. Discreet/Discrete- We can break people into two discrete (separate) groups, the discreet (secretive) and indiscreet.
10. Emigrate/Immigrate- If I leave this country to move to Europe, the leaving is emigrating and the arriving is immigrating.
11. Elicit/Illicit- Some people post illicit things on message boards to elicit outrageous reactions from others.
12. Farther/Further- Farther is used for physical distance, whereas further means to a greater degree.
13. Fewer/Less- Use fewer when referring to something that can be counted one-by-one. Use less when it’s something that doesn’t lend itself to a simple numeric amount.
14. Flair/Flare- A flair is a talent, while a flare is a burst (of anger, fire, etc.)
15. i.e/e.g- I.e. is used to say “in other words.” E.g. is used in place of “for example.”
16. Inflammable- Don’t let the prefix confuse you, if something is inflammable it can catch on fire.
17. It’s/Its- It’s= it is. Its=a possessive pronoun meaning of it or belonging to. Whatever you do, please don’t use its’.
18. Imply/Infer- A reader infers what an author implies. In other words, when you imply something, you hint at it. When you infer something, you draw a conclusion based on clues.
19. Literally- If you say “His head literally exploded because he was so mad!” then we should see brains splattered on the ceiling.
20. Lose/Loose- If your pants are too loose you may lose them. That would be almost as embarrassing as misusing these two words.
21. Moral/Morale- Morals are something you want to teach your kids. If your team’s morale is low, you need to do something to boost their confidence.
22. Percent/Percentage- The word “percent” should only be used when a specific number is given. “Percentage” is more of a general term.
23. Stationary/Stationery- You are stationary when you aren’t moving. Stationery is something you write on.
24. Then/Than- “Then” is another word for “after.” Incidentally, the word “then” makes for boring writing. “Than” is a comparative word (e.g. I am smarter than you).
25. There/Their/They’re- There are few things as frustrating as when I look at my students’ writing and they’re misusing these words in their writing.
26. Unique- Something can’t be “kind of unique” or even “very unique.” It’s either one-of-a-kind or it isn’t. There is no in between when it comes to unique.
27. Your/You’re- If I had a nickel for every time I saw this one… yeah, you know the rest. “Your” shows ownership and you’re is a contraction meaning “you are.” Get it right.
28. To/Too/Two- Two is a number. “To” is used in instances such as, “I am going to the store.” If you are supposed to use the word “too,” try inserting the word “extra” or “also.” If one of those fits, you need to also add the extra “o” to make “too.”
29. Lie/Lay- After you lay the books on the table, go lie down on the couch.
30. Sit/Set- Set your drink on the table and sit in your chair. Got it?
31. Whose/Who’s- Whose is the possessive form of who. Who’s is a contraction meaning “who is.”
32. Allude/Elude- When someone alludes to something in conversation (indirectly references), if you aren’t paying attention the meaning may elude you (escape you).
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
From Novelwhore.com's website. Go there to see where she found it.
1.Accept/Except- Although these two words sound alike (they’re homophones), they have two completely different meanings. “Accept” means to willingly receive something (accept a present.) “Except” means to exclude something (I’ll take all of the books except the one with the red cover.)
2. Affect/Effect- The way you “affect” someone can have an “effect” on them. “Affect” is usually a verb and “Effect” is a noun.
3. Alright- If you use “alright,” go to the chalkboard and write “Alright is not a word” 100 times.
4. Capital/Capitol- “Capitol” generally refers to an official building. “Capital” can mean the city which serves as a seat of government or money or property owned by a company. “Capital” can also mean “punishable by death.”
5. Complement/Compliment- I often must compliment my wife on how her love for cooking perfectly complements my love for grocery shopping.
6. Comprise/Compose- The article I’m composing comprises 32 parts.
7. Could Of- Of the 32 mistakes on this list, this is the one that bothers me most. It’s “could have” not “could of.” When you hear people talking, they’re saying “could’ve.” Got it?
8. Desert/Dessert- A desert is a hot, dry patch of sand. Dessert, on the other hand, is the sweet, fatty substance you eat at the end of your meal.
9. Discreet/Discrete- We can break people into two discrete (separate) groups, the discreet (secretive) and indiscreet.
10. Emigrate/Immigrate- If I leave this country to move to Europe, the leaving is emigrating and the arriving is immigrating.
11. Elicit/Illicit- Some people post illicit things on message boards to elicit outrageous reactions from others.
12. Farther/Further- Farther is used for physical distance, whereas further means to a greater degree.
13. Fewer/Less- Use fewer when referring to something that can be counted one-by-one. Use less when it’s something that doesn’t lend itself to a simple numeric amount.
14. Flair/Flare- A flair is a talent, while a flare is a burst (of anger, fire, etc.)
15. i.e/e.g- I.e. is used to say “in other words.” E.g. is used in place of “for example.”
16. Inflammable- Don’t let the prefix confuse you, if something is inflammable it can catch on fire.
17. It’s/Its- It’s= it is. Its=a possessive pronoun meaning of it or belonging to. Whatever you do, please don’t use its’.
18. Imply/Infer- A reader infers what an author implies. In other words, when you imply something, you hint at it. When you infer something, you draw a conclusion based on clues.
19. Literally- If you say “His head literally exploded because he was so mad!” then we should see brains splattered on the ceiling.
20. Lose/Loose- If your pants are too loose you may lose them. That would be almost as embarrassing as misusing these two words.
21. Moral/Morale- Morals are something you want to teach your kids. If your team’s morale is low, you need to do something to boost their confidence.
22. Percent/Percentage- The word “percent” should only be used when a specific number is given. “Percentage” is more of a general term.
23. Stationary/Stationery- You are stationary when you aren’t moving. Stationery is something you write on.
24. Then/Than- “Then” is another word for “after.” Incidentally, the word “then” makes for boring writing. “Than” is a comparative word (e.g. I am smarter than you).
25. There/Their/They’re- There are few things as frustrating as when I look at my students’ writing and they’re misusing these words in their writing.
26. Unique- Something can’t be “kind of unique” or even “very unique.” It’s either one-of-a-kind or it isn’t. There is no in between when it comes to unique.
27. Your/You’re- If I had a nickel for every time I saw this one… yeah, you know the rest. “Your” shows ownership and you’re is a contraction meaning “you are.” Get it right.
28. To/Too/Two- Two is a number. “To” is used in instances such as, “I am going to the store.” If you are supposed to use the word “too,” try inserting the word “extra” or “also.” If one of those fits, you need to also add the extra “o” to make “too.”
29. Lie/Lay- After you lay the books on the table, go lie down on the couch.
30. Sit/Set- Set your drink on the table and sit in your chair. Got it?
31. Whose/Who’s- Whose is the possessive form of who. Who’s is a contraction meaning “who is.”
32. Allude/Elude- When someone alludes to something in conversation (indirectly references), if you aren’t paying attention the meaning may elude you (escape you).
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Susan Boyle's Real Importance
Since Caveman Karaoke, talent has been seen as a commodity and only part of the package (and sometimes not at all, Paris Hilton).
I don't believe Susan Boyle has gone undiscovered, I believe she has been discovered many times over the years but anyone who could do anything for her career turned their backs and walked away simply because they couldn't market the "whole package".
Maybe the best thing to come out of the Susan Boyle Phenomenon is that she'll inspire the not-so-youngs, not-so-fits, not-so-beautifuls & not-so-populars to once again (or continue to) reach for their own personal stars when the hit machine would have them give up and go back home to the cat and cable (or in MY case, the dogs & the DVD library).
But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to languish. I'm not going to say "I'm almost 50, I'm not fit, I'm not strong, I'm not a party animal, I'm not going to succeed." I'm going to say "I will follow the dream, grab the opportunities and maintain pride in what I do. But most of all, I will have fun."
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
I don't believe Susan Boyle has gone undiscovered, I believe she has been discovered many times over the years but anyone who could do anything for her career turned their backs and walked away simply because they couldn't market the "whole package".
Maybe the best thing to come out of the Susan Boyle Phenomenon is that she'll inspire the not-so-youngs, not-so-fits, not-so-beautifuls & not-so-populars to once again (or continue to) reach for their own personal stars when the hit machine would have them give up and go back home to the cat and cable (or in MY case, the dogs & the DVD library).
But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to languish. I'm not going to say "I'm almost 50, I'm not fit, I'm not strong, I'm not a party animal, I'm not going to succeed." I'm going to say "I will follow the dream, grab the opportunities and maintain pride in what I do. But most of all, I will have fun."
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Monday, 6 April 2009
Slick, quick and not much of a trick... today's post
Life proceeds along at whichever pace it chooses, whether we like it or not and whether we're willing to go along, or not. But I find now that the more we put ourselves out there, the more the universe notices us and the more fun shit it sends our way.
I've also discovered that although it's a blast to get paid to do things, it can be even more fun (and a lot more rewarding) to volunteer to do some cool things. Things I'm trying to get involved with include the water station at a charity half-marathon, an improv troupe performing at a fringe festival, a variety show for a cancer fundraiser, discussion panels for a writer's conference, a cabaret to celebrate the conference, and a variety show for a high school reunion.
To quote Donald O'Connor: "Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!"
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
I've also discovered that although it's a blast to get paid to do things, it can be even more fun (and a lot more rewarding) to volunteer to do some cool things. Things I'm trying to get involved with include the water station at a charity half-marathon, an improv troupe performing at a fringe festival, a variety show for a cancer fundraiser, discussion panels for a writer's conference, a cabaret to celebrate the conference, and a variety show for a high school reunion.
To quote Donald O'Connor: "Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh!"
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Audience or Industry: The Comedy Connundrum
Who should comics be performing for, the audience or their fellows in the industry, including critics?
I ask this because I was once told not to do my Jack Nicholson impression because "everyone is doing Jack". What was really meant was that management sees too many Jack Nicholson (and Bill Cosby and Christopher Walken) impressions, although I've only seen one or two others myself, in recent years. But the comment I was given was a valid one, except that the audiences LOVE a good Jack impression (which mine sometimes is).
So that begs the question: if audiences are enjoying a show and laughing loudly at the material being performed, should the comic listen to other comics or management or critics, or should the comic perform for the people who came to see him or her?
Now, if the comic is trying to move up in the industry and be unique and get a TV or movie deal, they will need to pander to the industry and give them something they haven't seen before.
So, what's it to be? Who should comics be performing for, the audience or their fellows in the industry, including critics? Both, if possible, I suppose. Be as funny as possible and as unique as possible, but I think that career aside, we are there to make people laugh so that they come back and bring friends with them.
Like San Fransisco comic Steven Kravitz says: "Comics are just glorified liquor salesmen." So true.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
I ask this because I was once told not to do my Jack Nicholson impression because "everyone is doing Jack". What was really meant was that management sees too many Jack Nicholson (and Bill Cosby and Christopher Walken) impressions, although I've only seen one or two others myself, in recent years. But the comment I was given was a valid one, except that the audiences LOVE a good Jack impression (which mine sometimes is).
So that begs the question: if audiences are enjoying a show and laughing loudly at the material being performed, should the comic listen to other comics or management or critics, or should the comic perform for the people who came to see him or her?
Now, if the comic is trying to move up in the industry and be unique and get a TV or movie deal, they will need to pander to the industry and give them something they haven't seen before.
So, what's it to be? Who should comics be performing for, the audience or their fellows in the industry, including critics? Both, if possible, I suppose. Be as funny as possible and as unique as possible, but I think that career aside, we are there to make people laugh so that they come back and bring friends with them.
Like San Fransisco comic Steven Kravitz says: "Comics are just glorified liquor salesmen." So true.
Ciao for now.
Tim Reynolds.
Author of Stand Up & Succeed
www.StandUpAndSucceed.com
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